Thursday, January 27, 2011


My youngest son lost his first tooth today. He was at play group. He called to tell me the Big News. He is six years old. My oldest son lost his LAST tooth a few weeks ago. Another milestone. He is 11 and well on his way to manhood. But this post isn't about milestones.

This post is about the Tooth Fairy. OUR Tooth Fairy, specifically. How is it that we always get on the beat of the LAMEST Tooth Fairy on the Planet (hereafter referred to as LTFP)? I don't know how the Grand Mother Tooth Fairy divides districts, regions, routes or whatever they call them--but we are always assigned to LTFP. It must be pretty random because my neighbors don't seem to have the same issues with their tooth fairies that we have with ours. Honestly--what else does a TOOTH Fairy have to do besides keep track of children's teeth?! I don't think she has come on time. Ever. Not once.

The scene is always the same. (Please note that I realize that I am using the term "always" enough to negate my credibility; trust me--it's accurate.) The tooth is placed under the pillow at night. The child drifts into blissful slumber. The child awakes, dives under said pillow expecting to find treasure, and comes up holding... a tooth. The same tooth he placed under his pillow the previous night.

My kids don't want their teeth--and apparently the LTFP doesn't either. Sometimes she doesn't show for several days. She occasionally responds to handwritten pleas on the part of my children. At times the money has appeared mid-morning while the child is eating breakfast or otherwise occupied. Perhaps the LTFP just likes to sleep in. I suspect she is either a drunk or she works the nightshift doing something besides collecting teeth. If that's the case, I would like to register our house with a Specialized Tooth Fairy--one that ONLY collects teeth. Surely that would solve our problem.

After my 11-year old's last tooth had been under his pillow for five days, he finally brought it upstairs and said, "Can you just give me a dollar and have the tooth fairy come buy this from you?"

I said, "You think I want to deal with that flake? I'd never get my money back."


  1. You and I must have the same tooth fairy. I've often told the children that I can't figure out how we got such a deadbeat. They started leaving notes on my bed, and I'd ask them what they expected me to do about her? Sometimes she'd come months after they'd lose the tooth. Drunk is probably a pretty good guess. I've heard that can mess with a person's mental state, not that I'd know.

  2. LOL! We have the same tooth fairy! I had to explain to Jake that the tooth fairy had been in the Southern Hemisphere one night that he (our tooth fairy is a male, probably because of the Santa Clause movies) missed picking up the teeth! Luckily, he made it the next night. But trust me, you are not alone!

  3. One of my brightest parenting decisions: The tooth fairy doesn't have a chance to collect teeth at our house. We sell all our teeth to Grandma! However my grandchildren will not have this option. I don't collect teeth...

  4. Being a tooth fairy must me a difficult and demanding J-O-B. I bet some nights he or she is swamped and other nights there is nothing to do.

    Plus he or she has made some pretty amazing pick ups. One happened while I was down in my child's room helping them look for the tooth. That was amazing!!!!

  5. You're cute, Rob. (Not to mention, my favorite brother-in-law!) :)

  6. I am so lame, I completely gave it up when Jake was a little tyke. After the third night I pled guilty by association and FIRED our LTFP (Sonja didn't tell me her trick until after the tragedy,lots of help she is) LOL. I found the confession quite liberating!

  7. hahaha! I don't have nearly as many tooth-losing kids, but I have only missed one tooth. I almost missed one last week, but just after I snuggled down into bed, I remembered, so I got up and dutifully found some money and stuck it in the tooth pillow.